My bills are paid by a man that I see late at night and maybe one day a week. It is not a perfect life and it is not for everyone, but we have made it work. I don't get into the industry much. I'm too busy raising a family. He loves us and we love him. That is how we make it work. I'm at the point in my relationship where I'm wondering if it's all worth it. I love my boyfriend more than anything, and he's the sweetest man I've ever been involved with. We've been together for two years. I'm a teacher and work days, pretty independent throughout I want a family.
I want a healthy marriage. I want my kids to grow up knowing their dad. Not looking forward to seeing him on Saturday mornings until 2. I keep telling myself that it'll get easier later, but am I fooling myself? How do you deal with going to events weddings, birthdays, holidays stag and NOT feeling alone?
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Trying hard to remind yourself that he IS working hard, But even so Does it get easier? Should I cling to that possibility that things might get better later on?
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I need advice ladies, please. Hi K, Yes, I think it is all worth it, but am I the exception or the rule? I say stick with it and continue to communicate with your chef. Relationships are work and if you are both willing to make some changes to your lifestyle-you can have a loving, happy life. I hated going to events alone, but after a while I just got used to it.
I talked a lot about it with my friends and husband and that alone made it a little easier. It stinks going to a wedding alone and watching others dance with their significant others. You don't have to go to those types of events either-but I don't think that is the best answer either. After all, your life shoul never feel like it's being put on hold. Thanks for reading, K! Thank goodness for this blog! I have been dating a chef for the past 8 months. He is an executive chef at an upscale restaurant in NYC. I had absolutely NO idea about the restaurant industry or the heavy duty responsibilities of a chef until about 3 months into the relationship, when I started to notice that our relationship wasn't really "normal.
I was constantly frustrated with the lonely nights and lack of communication I didn't know that Chefs aren't supposed to use the phone while on duty. Although I now have a better understanding, I still have a problem wrapping my head around the fact that chefs are required to spend so much time at work!
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To be honest, I think the demands are ridiculous, unrealistic, and unsustainable. While I admire the passion and drive of chefs, I can't help but feel that they, in general, have an air of over-importance. To top it off, my Chef is a single father of a young child. So, as you can imagine, I am a distant priority in his life.
I do love him and so I sometimes feel guilty or selfish when I complain about his time constraints. But I am in my early 30s and want a family of my own soon. I honestly cannot imagine how lonely and frustrating it would be to have to raise a child by myself. I am a fiercely independent woman with my own career demands and challenges, but I also recognize my need to have a more equitable relationship. When we do spend time together, he is often tired, grouchy, and does not seem to have a lot of energy to put into making the small sacrifices that I believe are required to make this relationship work.
I am pretty sure that he is somewhat depressed because of his heavy work load, and I often worry about his mental health. Thanks for helping me understand that this is the nature of the job and that I am not struggling alone. I love him and his food , but I am questioning whether or not to cut my losses and move on. Thank you so much for sharing your stories! I am just in the very, very beginning stages of dating a chef as in, we are still getting to know each other and have yet to define the relationship.
I've been struggling with the normal types of anxieties of dating plus the fear that he will not be able to meet my needs in a partner. He is a wonderful, caring, sweet, smart man with a lot of integrity. Someone that I want in my life. I'm really scared to take the leap and make myself vulnerable, knowing that our relationship can never be "normal. How do you suggest going about that communication in a way that is not overbearing? Communicating in a way that that is not overbearing? That's the big question.
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I do have a few suggestions. Talk as directly as possible. I read a book called Non Violent Communication that suggests this phrase: It has really helped me to be able to set up the conversation without sounding demanding.
After all, don't you hear a difference in "Spend more time with me, I'm worth it, and I need to see you to make this work" and " I feel unnoticed and unappreciated when you work so much. How can we work together to make this relationship a success? Keep us all posted! Dear Desperatechefswives, this post was definitely struck a cord in me. I love your advice about wanting to learn about your mans work, and being passionate about it with him, instead of complaining about him not being around.
You are taking a negative and making it positive. That is very hard to do, and you are doing it. Your advice about sacrifice is also very true.
Have you considered writing a book? You write beautifully and any woman who is with a busy man can relate. I just love how yours is very specific to chefs. Also, please let me know if you ever decide to read Anthony Bourdaines book. Thank you for sharing. Cheers, Gaby You can visit me at http: Thanks for reading, Gaby.
You're website seems great I can't wait to read some more of it. I have read Kitchen Confidential and loved it. Bourdain is a great writer. As for me, no book here.
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The food culture genre of books seems too saturated for a non-writer to try and get noticed. I have been married to a chef for 8 years. I am now at the age where I'd really like to have children, but I just don't see it happening because I would essentially be a single parent. That's not fair to me or the child.
Some of the comments here surprise me No, your life with a chef will never be normal as I can attest. I wish I had realized this sooner, but I think I was pretty naive about the business, thinking it would be less demanding on him over time as he moved up.
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I would never recommend anyone marry a chef unless you really love the restaurant lifestyle and want to be a part of it yourself. This post has really hit me I feel as if I'm reading my own mind. The biggest thing I had to get used to and accept - his work comes first.
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